Israel, Gaza and how it's tearing your family and friends apart

Rabbi Igael Gurin-Malous grew up in an Orthodox home, spending time in Belgium, Israel and the United States. Today, he's a gay, tattooed, non-denominational rabbi living in New York.

Most of the people he went to Jewish boys school with are right-wing. This week, those same peers bullied him in group chats. They called him a Hebrew word meaning a traitor to the other side. Because he "dared to" suggest that Israel's current military response in Gaza "is not the only way to to address the (Israeli-Palestinian conflict)."

His situation resembles many across the U.S. and rest of the world as people grapple with differing opinions among friends, family and colleagues; A college group text devolving because no one can agree. Millennials walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting their Gen Z partners.

There's no one way to approach sensitive issues of this nature. But experts say those aiming to preserve relationships fractured by the war between Israel and Hamas should tread lightly.

"Reactions like rage and heartbreak are normal," says Kimberly Vered Shashoua, a licensed clinical social worker. "If you’re feeling too overwhelmed with your own emotions, that’s OK. Just let your partner or loved ones know you need some time or space before you are up for having deep conversations."

'Unseen, unheard, vilified'

Emotions have been running high since Hamas attacked Israel on Oct. 7; 4,200 have died on both sides, according to the United Nations.

"It's creating these distances that people feel unseen, unheard, vilified," Gurin-Malous says.

Many have expressed their fears and frustrations on social media in an effort to empathize and seek personal connections to tragedies in lieu of or in addition to private conversations. Maybe to alleviate guilt, to feel like they're doing something, to "perform" uneducated solidarity.

These posts often go awry when people play the comparison game. "The problem is not the desire to find a personal connection," says Benjamin Goldman, licensed mental health counselor. "The problem is when conversations become about comparing degrees of suffering and pain. And during this time that we're in right now, there's a lot of data and a lot of real information." Anyone can throw statistics at a situation to try and justify their points. But many aren't really looking for meaningful conversation

'The wrong time'

Aziz Abu Sarah's octogenarian parents live in Jerusalem. He visited them there three weeks ago. Now, he's afraid for their safety. A Palestinian peacemaker, his Israeli and Palestinian friends have been asking him how to broker dialogue.

"My advice was this: refrain (from) political discussions," he says. "Don't talk heavy politics right now. You always do, you will eventually, but now, maybe is not the time to start going into what happened 100 years ago and 50 years ago. This is just the wrong time for that."

Before engaging with someone on as sensitive a topic as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, consider who you are talking to (i.e. where do they fall on the issue) and have a goal in mind. Are you looking to vent? For a dialogue? To change their mind?

Because "if you're looking for a conversation that takes place in a shared experience in pain, and then you go to someone with a conflicting experience from you to have that conversation, you will be hurt," Goldman says. "And they will also probably be hurt." That said, "if you must share information that you feel very strongly about, it’s best to adopt a non-confrontational attitude – even if you believe you are right," says Cecille Ahrens, a licensed clinical social worker.

It may also be worth some introspection. "We would be wise to remember that we are each a product of our own lived experience steeped in the culture that surrounds us," says Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "Additionally, we are influenced by the media's synthesis of information and the mediums we trust to deliver it to our screens and inboxes."

'A human perspective'

Focus less on politics and more on the personal if you're aiming for a productive conversation. "Try and connect from a human perspective on fear and isolation, and not being seen, and all the other emotions that we all feel whenever there is war," Gurin-Malous says.

Abu Sarah adds: "Being vulnerable for each other and being willing to listen, instead of being quick to fight and argue – this is true in all situations."

He suggests focusing less on your position at the start of a dialogue and more on your story: "Before we start taking positions: 'Here why I stand (for Israel's) right to defend itself; here's why I stand for Palestinians' right to end occupation.' Before you say, your position, tell your story. It's more important."

Consider, too, "is there any common ground from which you can start?" asks Regine Galanti, a clinical psychologist. "Can you agree that all civilian deaths are terrible and tragic? That it's not OK to kidnap women and children? That it's terrible for people not to have access to basic utilities? Again, if you have no common ground, it might not be a conversation worth having right now."

You are also allowed to hit pause if you're not ready to talk just yet. "It's OK to avoid conversations with friends or family if you're not  emotionally in the right place for these disagreements," Galanti adds. "I've been muting a lot of my Instagram stories – even of people that I agree with – because I go to Instagram to unwind, and the constant barrage of videos on the Israeli-Gaza conflict make me anxious instead."

Watch out:Israel, Gaza and when your social media posts hurt more than help

'Irreparable' damage

Some relationships may not survive disagreements of this nature. And that is OK, too.

For Gurin-Malous, some wounds won't scar. They'll sit as open wounds.

"Some of the damage that has been done to me, and some of the relationships that I have around this, I think are irreparable," he says. "You can't unsay things you've said. And with that, I also want to allow for the fact that this is a very hot button (issue) for everybody involved." Still, "I want to also bring some compassion to the fact that sometimes we say things that we don't mean. And sometimes we out of fear lash out. And it is unfortunate, I think that many, many times, we reserve our worst behavior for the people we love the most."

Remember, as Abu Sarah says: "Behind every angry statement, behind every talking point we throw at each other, there's a hurt person."

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